21 9 / 2011
this apartment, specifically this back porch, is the biggest trigger. I’m sitting here, probably for the last time, remembering how I spent my days. how comfortable it is to sit outside, feel the wind, hear the outdoor sounds, and I miss the smoke. all the various grey strings floating, swirling out of mouths and hands. the heart races, the dozing off, the laughing at nothing, the lack of inhibition, the death of guilt. the smiles and sighs and coughs. a girl with a face full of metal saying she loved me & falling to the ground. the lanky upstairs neighbor climbing down from his porch on the third level to mine. the blonde who showed her tits to get us drinks. the empty, meaningless line of men like my own personal terra cotta army. it seems like so much would pile and build, but these things together leave a void like a crater. I can romanticize all day, but this place can keep its memories, because all it gave me was nothing.
16 7 / 2011
right here. and no where. but i’m coming back. i refuse to be here and gone. yolo, right? so let’s not waste it.
24 5 / 2011
I am doing things I never thought I would do. Good and bad. I feel like I’m becoming the hippie I wanted to be since the very moment I knew what a hippie was. Peace, love, higher thinking, spiritual, sensual; a mix of basic animal instinct and deep, esoteric thinking. I don’t know what I am or what I’m meant to do, but I feel like I’m closer to knowing than I ever was.
24 5 / 2011
This motherfucker. Too much control. I give pieces of my heart to every man who dominates me. I don’t mean to. I come round to check on it a month after we start and this chunk is missing. Not a HUGE chunk, but enough that you can tell it’s missing. And like, I’m mad I let that happen, but I’m glad in a way. I care deeply for a person. Even if they don’t care like that, it is a beautiful feeling just to love someone. Not romantic love. Just that true, genuine concern for another person. Sometimes that’s all you get. But there is no love truer than unreturned love. You get nothing out of it, but you care anyway. Even if it is from a distance. It’s worth it.
22 4 / 2011
One - I’m thankful for employment. I’ve been fortunate in that my last job and my current job? Both awesome. There are politics and even now I get too emotional. But I’m lucky to have a job and luckier to know the people I’ve met through my jobs.
Two - I’m thankful for gay men. I have always been much better at talking to guys than girls, but I hate feeling like my male friends are just there waiting around for a chance to screw me. Gay men make the best friends because you get the life experience of a man, the shopping habits of a woman and the guarantee that it’s platonic all in one person.
Three - This one might sound weird but I’m thankful for my nicknames. When I was younger I always felt sad that everyone just called me Emily. My mom had nicknames for me, but no one else did. Eric called me Emmy cause it’s what she called me. It was the only way he referred to me so everyone in college called me Emmy too. It warmed my heart. Any time I get a new one, I have to smile. At Home Depot it is, inexplicably, Em Dot. Or maybe “Em.” Or “M.” Ha!
Four - I’m thankful for imagination, fantasy, daydreams, being able to live in my head if I want.
Five - I’m thankful for warm, sunny, beautiful days. Today is the opposite of that, sadly.
21 4 / 2011
One - I’m thankful for AIR CONDITIONING!
Two - I’m thankful for sex. I really am. I’m thankful that I’m comfortable with my body, that I have very few inhibitions and that I am not ashamed of my feelings, physical and emotional. I hid my sexuality away for so many years. And it’s not been free of issues. But embracing it is so much better than burying it.
Three - I’m thankful for my camera. I’ve captured thousands of faces and feelings and they’ll last forever.
Four - I’m thankful for Mexican food… or maybe I should start by saying I’m thankful for my Grandmother and all the amazing things she’s brought to my life.
Five - I’m thankful for Sassy and Jazz. They are the most reliable, loyal, accepting, unconditionally loving people in my life. I’m thankful for all animals and the immeasurable joy they bring, but MY animals are the best. (o:
20 4 / 2011
One - I’m thankful for Ursula. Coming into a new job is never easy for me. Having Ursula train me was divine intervention. She knows her stuff and made sure I know mine. Not just about the everyday functions, but the politics. She is genuine, smart and the hardest worker I know. Plus she always smells good.
Two - I’m thankful for Georgia Southern. It led me completely astray from rational thought/action in my personal life, but gave me at least a base of knowledge sturdy enough to build on.
Three - I’m thankful for Tori Amos. Seriously. I would not be half as awesome had I never discovered her.
Four - I’m thankful for MARTA. I never use it anymore, but when I was dating Eric, it was a big part of my life. We spent hours riding trains and buses, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, talking, laughing. No, Eric and I were not meant to be. But I cherish those memories.
Five - I’m thankful for my counselor from GRN, David. He’s just amazing. I summed up our sessions once, “I’m gonna go in there and whine for half an hour. He’s gonna say one, maybe two sentences. I’ll spend the rest of the hour crying and wondering why I hadn’t thought of that.”
19 4 / 2011
one - I’m thankful that my parents raised me going to church. I’ve strayed and reevaluated my beliefs over and over, but I could never deny the existence of God. Knowing atheists makes me happy that I was born to Christians.
two - I’m thankful for Taqueria Los Hermanos on Sugarloaf Parkway. Fish tacos. No further explanation needed.
three - I’m thankful for indoor plumbing. I love showers. And not having to shit outside.
four - I’m thankful for pads. Tampons are disgusting. Yes, this just got a little graphic.
five - I’m thankful Evan. He’s the most beautiful child. I can’t help but kiss his face when I see him. I love that kid like he was my own or my brother.
17 4 / 2011
Who I was? I was 5 years old, going forward to get saved every Sunday because I was afraid of hell. I was a 12 year old pouring over books about the validity of translations of the Bible. I was 15 writing a paper for Bible class defending witchcraft. I was 18 taking ancient Greek. I was 19 sitting in a service at a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Before love and sex and dating and rape and domestic abuse and liquor and weed, all I cared about was my soul and yours. I was on a journey to understanding. Yes, I’ve picked up books on Buddhism since. In college, a book by Thich Nhat Hahn proved invaluable to helping stop my out of control temper. But I was thoroughly grounded in the world and have continued to sink in this quicksand.
Hopefully I’ll be going to Dubai later this year. I bought a copy of the Qur’an and a book about the history of Arab peoples. One of the reasons I’m so excited to go is that I feel like I can resume the journey I’ve been on since I was five years old. I don’t know much about Islam and I can’t wait to study it like I studied Christianity.
If I’m gonna rely on anyone to fix me, I think God is the best choice seeing as He’s God.