03 11 / 2010
i just gotta keep telling myself that i know i can hold my own. i’ve done it before, i could do it again, but i’d rather spend my time wisely and be productive. i was trying to put my finger on why i was bothered last night and my jealousy wasn’t about him. i was jealous of this girl who does what she pleases and controls men with her body and her beauty and is flip about sex. because i’ve conditioned myself to think of that as the ideal. but it isn’t for me. been there. done that. all i wanted was love. and that’s what i have. i would never throw it away. i guess learning who i am, understanding what i value and why… it’s all very confusing. so much of who i thought i was is a result of trauma. that’s what throws me off. this feminist thing, this desire to embrace all the power i have… it keeps backfiring. so i let it go and give my heart what it needs. but am i still powerful? do i still retain all the control having a pretty face and big breasts affords? do i need that? do i want it? i am so much more. and embracing the rest doesn’t mean i should forget about the superficial, does it?
i’m tired of wondering, though. time to forget about it and get some pancakes.
