15 12 / 2010
ask emmy. part eight.
Dear Emily,
I’ve been seeing Chloe for six months now, and things have been great. She used to model in New York and Paris. She’s also a Giver. She’s bought me things plenty of times, she’s kind to my close friends, and she takes care of her mother, who is financially unstable. She manages to babysit terribly bratty children, so she seems to have good potential as a mother, as well. She also has very high Integrity. She does, however, badmouth people she doesn’t care for. But then again, I can be the same way, so I think that’s acceptable.
Chloe has frequently told me I’m “the one” and focuses on the our future and children and where and how we’ll live. In fact, sometimes she’s completely overbearing, which brings me to her negatives. She can be very needy and often wants my help with her problems no matter how small. If I don’t spend the day with her, she will call me and expect me to listen to her for at least 20 to 30 minutes. She has past daddy and abandonment issues. Every time she tells me she loves me, she must hear me say “I love you” back, or else she won’t leave me alone. When she dresses up, she must hear a compliment from me or she will give me a hard time about it.
I know I should not be there for Chloe every waking moment. But the way I see it, it’s just much easier for me to have a 20-minute phone conversation with her than pretend I was too busy to take the call and then have an argument lasting at least an hour about why I didn’t pick up the phone or call her back. The same situation applies to saying “I love you.” Although you might say that being there for her too much and being too accommodating is playing games and lowers her Interest level, I think her Interest level is so high that it’s okay to compromise on these issues and preserve my sanity. But might I be lowering her interest level in order just to avoid a confrontation?
So what do you think? Is her moderate inflexibility a major problem to the relationship, enough to cause serious problems down the road? Am I risking lowering her interest in me too much, or am I compromising just the right amount? Are these inflexible traits just part of the deal with Chloe?
—Nick
Nick,
Are you sure you’re not dating me? I’m gonna be really biased here because Chole does a lot of things I do. So I’m gonna give you some insight. When I’m with someone, I say “I love you” every time I hang up the phone. No matter what. I’ve gotten some flack for it. But I do it because I want it to be the last thing I say to that person no matter what. Neurotic? Sure. But it’s something that makes me comfortable. I also expect to have at least some contact with my partner every day either in person or on the phone. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. So besides those things, I don’t see what the problem is with Chole.
Possibly she’s too focused on the future and you feel pressure because of that. I’ve been accused of the same thing. If this is true, tell her how her constant talk of babies and marriage makes you feel pressure and that a relationship without that pressure would flourish much more easily. Remind her to focus on and appreciate the present, to make the most of each day.
I hate to end this with recommending therapy, but since you say she has daddy issues and abandonment issues, I wonder if it wouldn’t benefit her. Like I said, I relate to Chloe and therapy has done wonders for me in terms of my relationships. It’s not an easy thing to suggest. Maybe start with couple’s counseling. Tell her you just want to make sure you’re on the same page. And who knows, counseling might benefit you too.
